My parents made their own arrangements. They moved to a senior living community that had stepped care: independent, assisted, then dementia unit, and nursing. It’s a great facility in a gorgeous setting above Chattanooga. They didn’t want their kids taking care of them. It was the best choice for them, but then, they had the money.

They were never mistreated, the staff and administrators were lovely, but it was still not ideal. The food was bland and my mother said it was depressing because, as a Catholic facility run by the Alexian Brothers, most of the funerals were held on site and times were put on notice boards in the elevators. There always was a funeral that had either just happened, was happening, or about to happen. To be constantly reminded of one’s own mortality is not fun. They both died alone, my mother in a coma from a stroke and my father from late stage Alzheimer’s pneumonia.

My in-laws did things differently. My mother-in-law was slightly younger than my father-in-law. He suffered from dementia and she cared for him until he died in her arms. She then moved in with us until she died surrounded by family. It was hard (no good deed goes unpunished) but it was the best choice for us. My son got to know his grandmother, learned empathy and compassion and is a better human being as a result. I’m hoping that lesson sticks with him.

My third example is my husband’s grandmother who could not afford care. Her older daughters put her in a charity nursing home were she was robbed of anything remotely valuable (we’re talking a $12 wall clock not diamonds and emeralds) and roughed up. Her family members kept a close eye on things and visited every week, but bad things still happened.

So your attitude of get thee to a nursing home so I don’t have to be bothered with you is not only cold, it’s clueless. It sounds like your husband is in for a bad time, mostly because of you.