I’m glad you’re taking the high road, Kristi. Otherwise, the memorial service would be all about your “shocking” behavior. In our country and in this modern era, most people have very little experience or exposure to death, so they’re really bad at dealing with it.

Our grandparents and great-grandparents expected to lose a child because they knew so many others who did. People died at home. Sudden, unexpected deaths were more common: car accidents, work related accidents, war, heart attacks, etc.

You mentioned that one of the “good” ones was your uncle who had lost a daughter. He met your expectations because he’d been there and he understood. He knew what to say that might comfort you. Others haven’t been there and so don’t have a clue what to say or do. They’re terribly afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing.

It’s true that some of your family members either don’t care much or their feelings are colored by your son’s history, which may have made them angry for what he put you through. You can’t expect people to feel the way you think they should. Maybe they used to care, but it became too painful and so they stopped. You never know.

In the time since my parents passed, the most treasured tributes to them I have received was from people I didn’t know cared. One woman told me she would never have become a writer without my mother’s encouragement. Mom had been her high school English teacher and she hadn’t seen her since graduation, over 50 years previously. Nevertheless, she came to the funeral and made it a point to tell me how much my mother’s brief time in her life meant to her. All the casseroles and sympathy in the world can’t compare to knowing that she made a difference in someone else’s life.

A funeral or memorial service is a chance for people to reflect on the good things that came of someone’s time on Earth. They might not care as much or in the way you’d hoped, but nobody who shows up doesn’t care at all. Some, in fact, don’t show up because they care too much.

I hope that your son’s memorial service provides an opportunity for healing. Family relationships are fraught with turmoil. Here’s hoping some of your bad feelings will be put to rest.